My Person
by 10points4gryffindor
Summary: Follows Kate through everything. Set during Episode 10 but with flashbacks starting at the beginning.
1. Chapter 1

". . . In Texas"

Her next breath was stolen from her by those words.

Leonard had always been an enigma to her. He annoyed her. Challenged her. Intrigued her. Initially she thought it was a crush. Exactly what she had been looking for. But just because you like someone doesn't mean it will work out. She had thought about it, sure. Ever since he told her that she was a catch, the thought of being with him crossed her mind a lot. But she knew with Leonard it wasn't that simple. He was being groomed and she more than anyone knew that she wasn't cut out to be some politician's wife. She didn't like people enough to be good at that. But she wanted him in her life regardless. He had quickly become her person.

She was starting to be happy with Anya. Finally, seeing a life for herself that could work. In many ways, Anya was like Leonard: she challenged Kate, intrigued her, annoyed her in all the right ways. But unlike Leonard, Anya did not need Kate to be something she wasn't. And this made her feel at peace. She was happy. Leonard could be her person, and Anya could be her partner. And that was two more people in her life than she could have ever imagined.

"solicitor general"

She knew Leonard was being groomed. She knew that one day his career would propel past hers and she would be left behind without her person. But she didn't expect it to be this soon. He was so young. She thought they had more time. Knowing what she did about him she knew that one day she would only see him on tv, watching interviews of him on morning talk shows from her desk at the U.S. Attorneys office. There was a reason Roger trusted, respected her more than anyone. He saw that she was in it for the long haul. This job wasn't some stepping-stone to other things. This was her endgame. And she knew that fact invariably meant that one day Leonard was going to leave her behind. She even knew that it was going to be sooner rather than later, but she couldn't have imagined it was going to be this soon.

She couldn't remember anything after the reality of what he was saying sunk in. Suddenly he was gone and the space felt empty. It reminded her of her fathers house on the weekends when she was growing up.

It was towards the end of the day. Seth was in court and would not be around to barge in. She closed her door and sat at her desk staring at the open documents in front of her. A hand cramp brought her back from the emptiness. She had been gripping her highlighter so tightly her hand had turned white for lack of blood flow. Kate couldn't remember the last time she turned the page, or read any of the words on the present page. The sun had already set and it was late enough that no one would think anything was wrong if she left now to go home.

She needed fresh air, but Foley square was too close to everything. The risk of seeing someone was too high. Anya was working late tonight and had told her not to wait up. Kate had been disappointed by this news only that morning, but now it was a blessing. She could be asleep when Anya slipped in after midnight. In the meantime, the fresh air felt nice. Her jacket was in her office but she appreciated the cold in this moment. Glancing toward the subway, she felt her feet turn abruptly and carry her in the other direction. It was a not insignificant walk home, but the numbness she felt needed the company of the city in this moment. Her person was leaving and she was not ready.


	2. Chapter 2

Her Brisk pace slowed a bit a few blocks from the office. She barely took note of the sounds of the city as the numbness blocked most of her senses. He had asked her opinion so many times before that it had become second nature. She couldn't pin-point when they had fallen into that dynamic. He had shown up day one determined that he was superior to everyone. Expecting everyone to revolve around him. But she was far to busy with her own work to do such things. She had learned early on that self-reliance would be her key to success - first in elementary school, high school, and then later at UVA. So much so that by the time she was in her first year of law school, her determined self-reliance projected a distinctly prickly demeanor. She was acutely aware of this, but found it useful rather than unfortunate. If people thought you didn't like them, they didn't bother you. If they didn't bother you, there were fewer distractions. If there were fewer distractions, you could be more productive.

She certainly noticed him right away. The selfish pompousness of other lawyers always amused her. The profession attracted many like Leonard and she always took a great deal of pleasure in observing how they seemed to revel more in the power of winning than the purpose of it. The benefit to being a mainly quiet observer was that she had plenty of time to note things that others may not. Like that look on Leonard's face as he walked away from the first meeting. It was already done. He had decided to take that case and there was no point in anyone fighting it.

She could tell in that moment that she would have fun watching him from afar. Fortunately, people like that never really gave her the time of day. She wasn't talkative, wasn't aggressively ambitious. In her experience, Kate and the Leonard types paired well during academic and professional pursuits to achieve great success but outside the bounds of those spheres, never interacted. She always earned the respect of those types but beyond being relied upon for such things, they did not occupy much of her life.

Perhaps, it was the odd coincidence at the Hand Pulled Noodle house that began this relationship. She was learning that in a way the City becomes an active player in any relationship. As it did in that moment, where the only seat available in the first place she came across happened to be right next to him. She unbuttoned the top of her blouse, slightly taken aback by his overly personal gesture of letting her order first. The fact that he remembered a previous encounter gave her pause. Maybe he wasn't like all the guys that she remembered from law school. There was something about him in that moment. He had planned to eat alone, but he didn't seem like the type that usually spent much time alone.

They sat mostly in silence. Despite his declared confidence, he seemed on edge, nervous. She knew his number though. She had seen it before: the types that want this job because they want the prestige; the types that don't think about what the job actually means. Her curiosity in him expanded the next day when she overheard some of the paralegals gossiping in the bathroom:

"Have you met Leonard yet?"

"Is he that tall GQ looking one?"

"Yes . . . and did you know his mother is Senator Knox?"

"What?!"

"Uh huh. Handsome and rich."

All the pieces were starting to fit together. Of course he was used to getting what he wants. Of course he was used to winning. Being wealthy, connected, and handsome is one thing but when you add highly intelligent to that list. His superiority complex wasn't exactly misplaced. He was probably the smartest person in the room almost 100% of the time. People rarely ignored him. They didn't challenge him often and when they did, he probably won. He clearly took great pleasure in winning. Yes, all the pieces of Leonard were starting to make sense to Kate. And her suspicions were confirmed when he appeared at her office door offended when she wasn't rallying around him in celebration of his victory.

"I don't celebrate people going to jail."

While he was used to winning, Leonard had clearly never won something like this, she noted a while later by the blank stare on his face as he sat in her office. He wasn't used to watching someone walk out of the courtroom to their fate as a direct result of your efforts. Sure, Kate wasn't exactly experienced in this either. She had done a couple internships, but never been solely responsible for it. But she had thought about it, understood what her actions meant.

Months later, as she walked down the street towards her apartment, she vaguely remembered feeling slightly worried by his presence in her office. She didn't like people getting attached to her like that. She usually felt weighed down by such dependency. But, she was still curious about him. There was still more that she wanted to figure out about him. So she let him sit there as she packed up her case files for storage.


	3. Chapter 3

She stood outside right inside her door for a long time staring into her dark apartment. The heat inside slowly thawing her ears and fingers. The walk home without her coat must have taken longer than she expected because she was only just realizing that there was little sensation in the tips of her fingers. Standing in the dark, the city light coming through her windows was enough to see everything distinctly. The apartment was extremely neat. Everything organized, aligned at right angles, alphabetized - save a sweatshirt, she noticed now, tossed on her bed, which must belong to Anya (she was slowly adding a bit of chaos to her life).

A scratching in the corner brought her attention back: Mango wanted to be fed. Pets were good for that she guessed. Who knows how long she might have stood there. She took off her blazer and hung it in the closet, changing into something more comfortable, before making her way over to his cage.

-"Hello, Mango. How was your day?"

They usually sat on the window when she fed him. For some reason, she assumed he may want to look out over the world. Maybe the view would provide some comfort to make up for his horrific experience being smuggled into the country.

-"Remember the private school case I was telling you about with the awful parents?"

Mango munched on a mango.

-"I don't know if I like the parents or opposing counsel less."

 _Do you have to choose?_

Mango certainly did not say this, but the earlier response to her same statement rang in her head as clearly as if he had. That inside joke was born out of the story she had told Leonard about the first day meeting Jay outside of the courtroom. It often came up in conversation, with a twinkle in their eye, anytime the other contemplated multiple frustrations. She never really understood what made him start coming by her office after that first case, but at least once every day he would wander in, with a question that required her advice. The annoyance she felt never fully abated but as time went on she would look forward to it every day. Or something akin to that sensation. If late afternoon hit and he hadn't stopped by yet, she would almost begin to worry. Almost. At least with Leonard she mildly enjoyed the visits, whereas with Seth it mainly provided annoyance. She only began to realize when they all went out for drinks together that first time that those two guys were starting to feel like family. Well, family was a strong word. But in Kate's world a close acquaintance was basically family. Seth had been showing them magic tricks with his deck of cards as they nursed their drinks. And Kate had felt comfortable. It wasn't a sensation she was used to feeling around people. But when Leonard's phone buzzed, with what she assumed was a text from his girl, Kate wanted him to stay. That was definitely a feeling she wasn't used to, missing someone. Preferring that they stay. This was a feeling that was foreign to Kate and while she had become more used to admitting things like that now that she was dating Anya, Kate was still abysmal at handling it.

Mango stared back at her – perhaps understanding, probably not – but he made it clear that he wanted to sit on her shoulder so she let him. Walking over to the kitchen she again stood for a while before realizing she had no apatite. She did not generally eat that much anyway, often forgetting meals because she was so engrossed in work. That was one way that Anya was a good influence. Often dragging her away from her work for a dinner break. Even on days when they did not have plans, Anya would text her around dinner time and remind her to take fifteen minutes to eat something. Of course, Kate would never actually do this, but would appease Anya and say she had or was even though she knew Anya did not believe the little white lie, it was their dance and it comforted them both in a way.

Looking at her watch, Kate was relieved by the fact that she had several more hours of solitude before Anya was coming over. Kate liked waking up next to her so much that they had fallen into a routine where Anya would often come over even on days when they hadn't been out and even if it was late. When Kate first suggested it, she justified it by saying that it only made practical sense on those nights when Anya was in the field closer to Kate's apartment than her own. Kate appreciated that Anya let her impose rationality on everything. Her discomfort with admitting that she really just wanted to wake up next to Anya as often as possible must have been abundantly clear. Or at least to Anya. Under most circumstances, this would have made Kate uncomfortable. And perhaps it did in this instance too. She did not like not having control over her surroundings. She did not like when others knew what she was feeling. And she certainly, did not like when there was anyone in her life that forced both of these things on her at once. Like Anya. But also like Leonard before her. He had barged into her office and her life with such force that she was just starting to get a handle on their professional relationship when she was again taken aback by the first mention of personal relationships.

She took Mango off her shoulder as she lay down on the couch and perched him on her chest as she reached for the remote. Mango knew the routine and he turned mesmerized by the black and white shapes moving across the screen.


	4. Chapter 4

Watching old movies had become Mango's favorite pastime. It could be that he just liked sitting on her while she lay on the couch. But either way, this had quickly become their special time together. Kate wished she had had Mango months ago when she had sent up that test balloon.

"If you had gone to middle school you would have hated it too, Mango."

She shuddered a bit at the memory of the embarrassment.

"It felt exactly like middle school."

Mango stared at her blankly. She appreciated this. He didn't respond, didn't talk excessively, he just took it all in.

She turned back to the television trying to suppress the memory. The memory of the embarrassment was nothing compared to her disappointment in herself. That embarrassment had been completely avoidable. She had allowed herself to be swept up by a compliment and give in against her better judgment. Kate wasn't sure why she had thought that this time was going to be any different than her usual track record with such things. Perhaps it was that Leonard had built up her self-confidence a bit when he told her she was a catch, promising that everything was different now from growing up. Going to his office certainly wasn't the most excruciating moment of her life, but it did remind her of all of her past instances that she had thought were long since behind her.

Her whole body had crouched as she walked away from his office, exhaling with a shudder. The discomfort in her stomach at that moment acutely reminded her why she never did such things. Like Leonard, she liked being a prosecutor because she liked being in control. She could prepare, and plan, and everything could be expected. Even the unexpected surprises sprung on her by defense counsel never seemed to phase her because she had always thought through contingencies and appreciated that challenge. These surprises were not emotional though. They were another opportunity for her to perfect her craft. Emotions were harder to control. When her personal plans derailed, she had barely any control over what other people did and even less control over her own emotions.

"I need to work on handling my emotions better, Mango. How do you do it?"

Again, he just stared at her. Maybe, it was easier for Mango because he didn't have emotions. Instead, her awkwardness became more acute after she asked him out for dinner. At first she had thought he was just oblivious. He waltzed into her office like any other day bragging about some case or another. She obviously didn't do a good job of hiding the way her whole body tensed up and her heart started racing. He must have noticed the tone in her voice or the lack of banter between them because he asked if she was ok. The uncharacteristic inquiry into her wellbeing threw her off and the high-pitched way in which she assured him that everything was fine probably did little to convince him. His invitation to the donor lunch did not help the situation either. Just another reminder of how foolish she had been. Kate would never fit in to his lifestyle.

He didn't even allow her the space to wallow, or time to attempt to control her emotions (it was unclear even to Kate what was happening). He kept finding her and asking her advice. And then before she could even fully regain control over the whole situation, he was standing there, close enough so she could have reached up and kissed him, asking if they would work. Fully acknowledging the situation was the absolute last thing that she wanted to do. He had thought about it though. She could feel her heart racing even in her fingertips. He had also thought about it. For a split second she almost gave in. But it wouldn't work. It may be great in their work-bubble, it may be great in the here and now. But he was being groomed and she did not grip and grin.

"I almost kissed him. And then I almost said no, Mango." Mango didn't seem to believe her in the slightest. "It doesn't matter what I said, it had the same effect. I am allowed to act out of my own self-preservation."

It would never work.


	5. Chapter 5

Her phone buzzed with a text message. She shifted Mango slightly and reached over to grab her phone off of the coffee table. _Still stuck at work. If I leave, these rookies will mess the whole thing up. So sorry! I'll come over as soon as I can._ Everything Anya did oozed confidence. Even through the text, she could see the twinkle in her eye and it made Kate smile. It reminded her of some of their first interactions at the ATF.

"I know what I am doing."

The confidence intrigued her. She always gravitated towards confidence. She did not work with a lot of women and it was nice. She would be lying if she said she wasn't curious. But there was no time for curiosity. And her curiosity was trivial. She had felt the same intrigue when she first met Leonard. Anya kept trying to make small talk, but there was no time for small-talk at work so she quickly put her headphones on to escape her own intrigue as much as the probing questions. Some time later though, a shadow appeared over the brief. She looked up to see Anya standing over her with two to-go cups of coffee in her hand.

-"Coffee or tea"

-"Excuse me?

-"Do you want coffee or tea?"

-"uh, um, when did you get those?"

-"You were working, so I went downstairs on a break"

-"Coffee or tea? I didn't know which one you would want so I got both."

-"Oh, tea"

-"Perfect! I prefer coffee."

-"Thank you."

-"I am almost finished getting everything in order." Anya walked back over to her desk but instead of walking around to sit down, she leaned up against it casually and took a sip of her coffee. "I will have the diagrams and plans ready first thing in the morning for you to review. In the mean time, I was going to go check out the park, if you are ready for the day. I want to make sure to get there before the sun starts to set."

Kate looked back down at her binder. "Ok, I can finish this at home." She started to pack up her stuff.

"Wonderful! We can take my car. I will drop you at home after we are done." Anya leaned over her desk to grab her keys before turning back around to face Kate. "You ready?"

"Yes. I'll follow you."

As the proceeded to the elevator, Anya exchanged pleasantries with the few remaining coworkers. It must be a weird thing to have to greet so many people every time you moved about. Very few people bothered Kate like this when she walked around the office.

"I've been there before it's only about a 20 minute drive and then I can drop you off at home if you would like." Kate startled a little in the elevator as Anya's voice broke the silence.

"That would be nice, thank you." Kate said with a small smile before turning back to stare at the elevator doors. She could feel Anya's gaze still assessing her. The elevator doors dinged and opened.

Once in the car, Anya chattered away. Mainly commenting on the traffic or the construction or the various places she had eaten while doing ops around the city.

"We've used this park before for ops. It's big enough so we can keep our distance and there are busy roads on all four sides." Kate nodded in response.

"I should say my buddy has used this a bunch for ops. I have never used this particular one before. But he did say there was this great Gyro place. Ah yes there it is." Anya pulled up in front of a neon "Gyro" sign across the street from the park. She immediately jumped out and walked around the car towards the food. Kate stood next to the car looking over her shoulder towards the park.

-"Shouldn't we go. . ."

-"It will look suspicious if we are just wandering around the park out of nowhere. We have to have something to do with our hands. I know what I am doing. You like Lamb right?" Kate nodded. "Good, I'll be right back."

Kate shoved her hands into her coat pockets as she waited for Anya to return. It was approaching dusk and a cold wind made her shiver slightly. Only a moment later Anya was in front of her again handing her a pita and beckoning her to follow across the street. As they started walking through the park, Anya became uncharacteristically quiet. She glanced around taking everything in.

-"Please talk. I am figuring some things out in my head but I need you to talk so this seems more normal."

-"What are you trying to figure out?"

-"I am just mapping everything out. Tell me a story or something" She kept focusing intently on the various light posts in the park, seemingly taking measurements in her head.

-"Why do you keep looking at the light posts?" Anya let out a soft chuckle, shaking her head slightly.

-"Ok, my buddy I told you about sent me his plans from when he ran an op here. But that was years ago so I am making some adjustments because some things have changed."

-"Ah. I see." Kate finally took a bite of her Gyro and followed along side Anya. "Will this park work?"

-"Yes, everything seems to be in order. I will have the plans ready tomorrow morning if you can come by my office to go over everything. Are you finished with that?" Surprisingly Anya had finished hers and was crumpling up the wrapping. Kate had only taken a few bites. "We can sit down if you want to eat the rest of it. Maybe you can tell me about why you wanted to be a prosecutor while you do?!" Kate felt herself squirm, though it probably wasn't visible underneath her coat.

-"No, thank you, I should get home and finish my work." Kate could see Anya's shoulders slump slightly and there was an inexplicable pang in her stomach seeing the woman's disappointment. "This was good though, your colleague was right."

-"Yes! I have to make sure to thank him for the recommendation tomorrow. He has never steered me wrong in the past." They began to make their way back to the car. "Do you want me to grab you a to-go box for that? I am now best friends with the gyro guy in there."

-"That would be great actually, thank you." She waited outside the car for only a moment while Anya ran back in to gyro place.

The drive to Kate's apartment was quiet. Anya seemed to be deep in thought about the op.

-"Here is good, I can walk down the block so you don't have to go all the way around."

-"Are you sure? It's after dark, I can drive around the block and get you right to the door."

-"I can handle walking half a block in my own neighborhood."

-"Alright, Littlejohn. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kate nodded curtly and stepped out of the car. She didn't look back but she didn't hear Anya drive away until she reached the door of her building.

The next morning when she arrived at Anya's office there were already maps out on the table. Kate had arrived promptly at nine but it seemed Anya had been there for a while already. Kate paused for a second in the door watching Anya check various things on the map. It was rare that she met someone else that worked hard. Others rarely came close to her level, but when they did, she was impressed. She had been standing there for so long now that it was starting to make Kate feel awkward. Someone might notice that she was just standing there watching the other women with curiosity.

-"Good morning." Kate said it with an awkward abruptness.

-"Hello! Good morning! Did you sleep ok?" Anya always asked personal questions. But at least this one didn't have any deeper implications.

-"Yes, thank you. Is everything ready?"

-"It is, it is. Let me talk you through these plans."

Kate put her stuff down on a chair and walked over to the table to stand beside Anya. She listened intently as Anya went over everything.

-"Look who's taking a break now." Kate had not realized how close Anya was standing to her until that moment. Kate wasn't good at judging behavior on the whole but even she was struck by how close this was. This certainly wasn't a normal friendly distance away. What was even more surprising about the situation was that Kate found she didn't mind it. This felt fun. Anya wasn't accepting any of her justifications and reasons. She noticed immediately when Kate responded to a question with more than just a pivot back to work. And she didn't even buy Kate's attempt at an explanation that this was in fact work. This was work though. Kate had been trying to impress Anya. Professionally of course. Kate wanted her to know that she too had experience, that she too knew what she was doing. Kate told herself it was a professional desire, but the pang in her stomach when Anya walked away betrayed her. Kate was left with a confusing conflation of emotion. She felt suddenly empty without Anya close to her side and she felt frustrated that she had not been allowed the opportunity to fully justify her over-share. It had only been two days but she was starting to become accustomed to having Anya close to her. And this was an entirely disconcerting sensation for Kate.

-"Make sure you wear something, less um, not a suit." Kate looked down at herself suddenly self-conscious. She shifted her weight slightly and tightened her grip on her bag. They were standing by the elevator. Anya had walked her there going over some last minute details about the next day.

-"Oh um, is this . . ."

-"I just mean we don't know what we will get into, so practicality is key. I will have a vest and jacket for you tomorrow." Anya spoke very quickly. If Kate hadn't been so self-conscious she would have noticed how nervous Anya had gotten in that moment.

-"oh, ok."

-"See you tomorrow, Littlejohn."

-"Good night."

Lying in bed the next night her mind raced. The sting had been a success. She couldn't believe that people were paid to do stuff like that. It had been such a thrill. But her mind kept replaying the conversation she had had with Anya before it all went down. She hadn't told any of her New York friends about her mother. And if she was honest with herself, she still wasn't sure why she told Anya in that moment either. So her brain kept replaying it, over and over, trying to find the answer to that puzzle. Her answer to Anya's probe would have been complete after telling her she never played soccer. There wasn't any need for further details. And yet it slipped out. A deeply personal response - anachronistic to the rest of the conversation and Anya's attempt at lighthearted teasing. In the chaos of everything that followed, she hadn't really processed it. And now, in the darkness of her apartment, she couldn't escape what had happened. The same knot in her stomach appeared every time she thought of Anya. What could only be described as dread and excitement all rolled into one sickening emotion.

She fell asleep somewhere in between replays and awoke the next morning with only a resolve to act much more professional when she saw Anya in court that day. The courthouse was hers so at least she could leverage that comfort to further this new resolve of hers. And with the hearing she probably wouldn't have to actually talk to Anya at all. She just needed to maintain control until it was all over and then she could avoid this new lack of control she was experiencing for good.

She could see in her peripheral vision that Anya was waiting in the back of the courtroom for her as she packed up her files. She turned her back and took a deep breath before she turned. Anya was grinning in an expectant way as they walked out into the hallway. She could almost feel Anya about to ask her to go get a drink in celebration. The prospect terrified Kate almost as much as it excited her. But before Anya could say anything else, Kate stuck out her hand. It didn't feel right to Kate but she needed to leave. It was too overwhelming being so close to Anya. She was afraid she might say something personal again, so with a curt nod and a small smile she hurried off. As she walked towards the stairs, the urge to escape that had overwhelmed her a moment ago was replaced by a strange emptiness. This was probably for the best though. She wouldn't have to see Anya again for a while and that would help this feeling fade. Every time she had felt this same emptiness before walking away from someone, it had always dulled with absence. She wouldn't have to see Anya for a while and everything would go back to normal.

"I should have known better, Mango. She is always pushing me outside of my comfort zone. I don't know why I thought I would be able to control that too."


End file.
